When is it that I am going to see the light?

Night after night, I walk in my sleep deprived state, turning the pages of a new book, flicking the moronic television channels. I lie to myself tomorrow will be better. What is it that I am looking for? I turn to the big question, why am I here? Is there any purpose? Generations have dwelt into this pathetic yet essential question, philosophers have laid down their lives. But are we really nearer? Do we really have a purpose here? Or are we Darvinian’s evolutionary cycle, the fate to which lies on the survivor’s quest. The meaning to life is then so much easy, that centuries have been wasted in futility. Food and shelter, the only two things we need to concentrate to, and to forget about Nasa’s Mars mission or the president’s election. We even don’t need our clothes unless of course it contradicts the shelter purpose. But it is not so.

So what exactly am I doing here? Will someone stand up and guide me? Why do I look upon me as useless, like a crushed up soda tin waiting to be kicked on the road. At least, it served its purpose, quenched its master’s thirst. But, what about me? Do I have a master? Should I serve somebody? Night after night, I see a dream in which I am walking bare feet and a grand door is waiting for me, so much grand that the length and height is not visible, just a white hazy blur. And there I am, about to push it open. And yes, it opens. And all I see is just white light, the same one seen by many at the end of tunnel. It must be heaven, I reckon. But is it the purpose really? Is it what everything comes down to, finding a way to that door? If yes, then how? If I know anything, just praying cannot be it. It is something else, to fulfil our duty, to fulfil our destiny, that is only how it can be achieved. That is all we know beforehand. But the same question presents itself, what is our duty? What is our destiny? Some say it will be shown to you at the proper time? Till what then? Do I keep on living my moronic life with my no-clue-what-I-am-doing-with-my-life attitude? No, sir no. I refuse to do that. I want my answers and I want them now. I do not want my life to go aimless and to think that someday, by some sheer luck, I will be interviewed with my prospective destiny and if I chose, I will be able to open that bloody gate and if not, well, who gives a damn when you are dead!!

 

Some larger than life friends of mine say love is the only purpose and it will be then, I will feel blessed. So my irritating questionable mind say, should I wait again for that prospective love to come to me and blossom my inner most emotions and give me satisfaction what I have been looking for and when that happens I will be able to open the gates and see what lies ahead. Or, has it already happened! And, I have missed my mark and the angels have punished me to suffer for eternity. Or should I go to my previous relationships to find the other soul of my sole purpose which is making my life soulless. Bleah!!

Coming to our profound question, what exactly is that someone wants from me, when HE put me in this place? Is it worship, I doubt so. Is it to be loved, do not have a clue. Is it to spread some message encrypted somewhere, which I have to decipher first and then to spread beyond the masses, nup. Then  what?

Night after night I walk in my sleep deprived state, thinking where I could have gone wrong? I did complete the necessary education recommended by our elders. Education in a sense, one only guess, must have been refined now, coming from ages. First the ancient learned sages, then the psycho but learned philosophers then the crooked but learned ministers, one almost guess that the education must almost be perfect by now. But it is not, and that is why I walk sleeplessly. After education, one has to find a job. The societal norms are that you have to work in order to get something to buy, to get something to eat. And working day in and day out, you forget the purpose, the same bloody purpose we have been worrying about. Why had it happened? Many reasons, but to hell with them. I am on that stage where I need to find that purpose and once found, I honestly will work my ass off till the day I die. But, I need to find it now.

 Looking at the historical scenario, one see many great leaders, political as well as religious. They might have flourished, but did they actually find it. Gandhi, the synonym of Indian independence, did have his fan following and critics. Almost every city has a Mahatma Gandhi Road. But is that my purpose? How can it be? India is free now, maybe from the british but not from the inner corruption. So, should I jump in the battle and fight with the likes of Anna Hazare and Arvind Kejriwal. Maybe, it may be their purpose, but is it really mine too? I don’t have any idea. Will there be any sign depicting the turn of events in my destiny, a serendipity, I don’t know. Should I forget this political matter and concentrate in becoming an economist? I don’t know. What if I actually become a successful economists and formulate new plans and ideas or maybe write a thesis on quantitative efficiency and data modelling. But what then? And what now?

How do I settle this emotional turmoil I am facing right now. Someone once said to me to flow in the tide, until you get the purpose for your life!! I think I have flown enough, I need a mentor. I need a ShriRamKrishana Acharya to guide me.  I see people in their 60’s, working their ass off like there never was a happy moment in their lives. Maybe not, but I do not want that. Strangely, mind wanders to the retirement life plan advertisement, the thought itself is frightening. The moment you stop taking risks and make your future as dull as your present, you completely lost it. The idea of working and working so that you can take rests at the time when you are not able to work is something that I do not see sublime.

To sum it, I have no idea what I seek, when I will be able to find that and who will help me find that? Is travelling in the tradition train, in which each stop is predetermined-job, marriage, children, their studies... is what I am destined to. Should I pull the chain, but where will then I go? Is this fear the one that is holding me?

Strangely the lyrics of Eminem’s-I need a doctor comes to mind.

I am about to lose my mind,

You’ve been gone for so long,

I’m running out of time,

I need a doctor, call me a doctor,

I need a doctor, to bring me back to life.